There’s no turning back now.

All he could think about was
I’m too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell, I’m just a kid myself
How’m I gonna raise one?

//

When Caitlyn had found out she was pregnant, it was like the world collapsed around him. Taylor had physically broken down in a fit sobs. Eighteen was way too young to have a kid. Wasn’t there some kind of law against that? Kids having kids. It shouldn’t be physically possible. It wasn’t. The test was wrong.

“We’ll go to a doctor. Now!” he panicked.

“Taylor, I’ve already been,” she whispered.

“Wha- well.. uh,” he stuttered frantically. “I’m supposed to be moving in three months. I’m supposed to be in Los Angeles. I’m supposed to make a record. I’m supposed to finally make something of myself. After all these years of practice, of lessons, of rejection - I’m finally supposed to make it!” Caitlyn raised her eyebrows at his outburst, her eyes quickly welling up with tears.

All he could see were his dreams
Goin’ up in smoke
So much for ditchin’ this town
And hangin’ out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone
And he said...

//

Abortion was out of the question. Two kids from two Christian families having sex before marriage, getting pregnant and aborting? Never in a million years. Who knew a wedding could be thrown together so quickly?

Because neither of them had a decent job, they were forced to move into his parents basement. A small, finished one-bedroom with a slight insulation problem. Every day was a repeat of the previous day... and the day before that, and the day before that. They woke to the faint smell of mildew and must each morning, ate their cold cereal over mindless chit chat, headed off to work and only to come back home and do it all over again.

Between the two of them, they put away as much money as a hotel lounge singer and a bank teller could, but it just never seemed like enough. As the long months drew on, Taylor found himself growing more and more resentful of Caitlyn and the baby. After all, why shouldn’t he be? They’d ruined his entire life.

//

“There goes my life
There goes my future
My everything
Might as well kiss it goodbye
There goes my life.”

//

Unbelievable. Just fourteen months ago, Taylor had begun the worst day of his life: sitting in his recliner, mulling over his pathetic life when in the back of his thoughts he heard his wife screeching.

“My water just broke.” Ah yes, the day he’d been so joyously awaiting. The beginning of the end. And here it goes...

The ride to the hospital had been like a short rollercoaster ride to hell. Speeding down the street in Ma’s good ol’ Caddy, horns blaring, Caitlyn screaming. This is exactly how I’d hope to spend the day, he thought bitterly.

Nurses had scooped her up in a wheelchair and stolen her away as soon as they’d set foot in the emergency room. For a brief moment he thought, I could make a break for it. I could run now. But really what good would it do him to run? They lived together. And what was he thinking anyway? When had he stopped loving her?

Twenty six hours later, Taylor was being dragged by both arms into a small green room with two large stainless steel sinks. The residents proceeded to scrub his arms with a small sponge so rough it might as well have been an SOS pad, and slipped his still wet hands into a pair of latex gloves.

It seemed over before it started. There was screaming and sweating, people rushing every which way; just a general blur of colors. Shapes and sounds whizzing by. At one point, around the time the shoulders made their way out, Caitlyn squeezed Taylor’s hand so hard he was sure his knuckles were crushed. And then it was over.

It wasn’t like the movies. They didn’t wrap the baby up in a blanket and hand it to its mother. Instead, the baby was rushed down the nursery as Caitlyn’s heart monitor began beeping furiously. Taylor was shoved violently in the direction of the door, just as he jerked his head around to watch his wife lose consciousness.

It wasn’t until three hours later that Taylor was allowed to see her. He pushed the heavy hospital room door open gently in case she was sleeping. But she was wide awake, waiting for him. He sat at the edge of the bed taking her hand in his.

“Are you okay?”

She smiled wearily. “They said everything would be fine.” Both teenagers breathed a sigh of relief, and Taylor reached over and cupper her chin in his hand, tipping her head up to kiss her nose. She smiled up at him. Ten minutes later, after a quiet knock at the door, a nurse pushed in the bassinet. Taylor’s face fell.

“Your daughter misses you.” She turned to leave, grinning.

With a swallow and a deep breath, he made his way to the small plastic bed and peered in. There wrapped up in a pink cloud of cottony blankets was that tiny human being they’d created. His mini-me. The epitome of his unhappiness for the past nine months. And yet, as she opened her mouth and cooed up at him, he couldn’t ignore the prickling behind his eyes and the tugging at the corners of his mouth.

//

A couple years of up all night
And a few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made
Covers up the refrigerator
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl

//

“Baby, do you need help in there?” Caitlyn yelled through the bathroom door.

“No, Mama. I’m coming.” Taylor smiled to himself. He could hear Cadence yelling back to her mother through the thin plywood of the basement walls. Five minutes and one loud bang later, he saw light from the bathroom spilling into the kitchen.

“It’s time for bed, honey. Go say goodnight to your father.” Taylor looked up from his newspaper and towards the loose blonde curls bouncing his way. She leapt like a small kangaroo into his lap, causing him to grunt.

“Easy there kiddo,” he breathed.

“Sorry Daddy!” she giggled. He leaned in and kissed her forehead before pulling her face to his chest.

“I love you Caddie.”

“Love you too, Daddy. Night night.” She jumped from his lap and bounded back across the room towards her mother. Taylor looked up to meet his wife’s smile and winked.

//

Mama’s waitin’ to tuck her in
As she fumbles up those stairs
She smiles back at him
Draggin’ that teddy bear
Sleep tight
Blue eyes and bouncin’ curls
And he smiles

//

Complications during Cadence’s birth had destroyed Caitlyn’s chance at having anymore children. Taylor bitterly thought of how just years ago that had been the best news he’d ever heard. He wished he could have a thousand more just like her.

He stood over her bed, watching her deep even breaths as she slept. Her knuckles were almost white from clutching the stuffed panda. He wondered what she was dreaming about. Cotton candy clouds and unicorns, I hope. He scrunched up his face at his own sugary thought.

“Sleep tight, Angel.”

//

There goes my life
There goes my future
My everything
I love you, Daddy goodnight
There goes my life

//

“Are you sure you’ve got everything?” Caitlyn asked warily.

“Yes, Mom. For the fiftieth time I’m sure.”

“Cade,” Taylor warned, looking up from the engine. “She just looking out for you.”

Cadence nodded quietly as she buttoned up her denim Gap jacket. “I know Daddy.”

“Well, everything seems to be functional,” he muttered, kicking the tire. He silently hoped that the force of his foot would be enough to pop it... knock it off the axle... anything to keep that car in town. No such luck.

“I guess that’s it then.” Caitlyn strolled gracefully over, pulling her daughter into a hug.

“You’ll call us when you get there?”

“As soon as I hit town. I promise.”

“Be careful baby. Love you”

“I will Mom. I promise. I love you too.”

Taylor strode slowly over to the not-so-little girl standing in front of the little sedan. Where had the time gone? It seemed like just yesterday he had been planning for the worst event of his life, and now he couldn’t believe it... the best thing that had ever happened to him was leaving. For Los Angeles. To make a record. To finally make something of herself. After years of practice, of lessons, of rejection... She was leaving to finally make it.

Tears threatened the corners of his eyes, and the more he willed them away, the more persistent they became.

“Daddy, don’t cry.” Cadence pulled her father into a tight embrace, rubbing his back soothingly. Taylor wrapped his arms around his own flesh and blood, holding her so tightly he was sure she couldn’t breathe comfortably. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you too, Caddie. More than I ever knew I could.”

//

She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes
Fifteen pairs of shoes
And his American Express
He checked the oil, slammed the hood
And said, “You’re good to go.”
She hugged ‘em both
And headed off to the West Coast
And he cried...

//

With tears in their eyes, Taylor and Caitlyn watched the cloud of dust settle in the road as the car turned out of sight.

“Taylor?” “How could we have ever thought she was a mistake?”

“I don’t know, Caity,” he whispered. “I really don’t know.” She hugged him closer, using his warmth to dull the pain in her heart left by her only child setting off.

“She wasn’t.”

“No, she wasn’t. God doesn’t make mistakes, Cait.” She smiled at that. He was right, and he knew it. She would make a fine impression on the world. One even better than he ever would have. Silently, he gave thanks to God for not answering his prayers twenty one years earlier, as he lead his wife back into the house and closed the door.

//

There goes my life
There goes my future
My everything
I love you
Baby, good bye

*Tim McGraw - There Goes My Life*